Final:
Blueprint-style, including revision-process. Blatant comparison to how Rembrandt's blueprints (as seen on their website, www.rembrandts.com) haven't matured either, i.e. attained finished status. Multiple paths within the article similar to multiple extracurriculars at restaurant. Elucidation later.

Details
that should be included in the first paragraph:
--Rembrandt's
--named after 17th c. Dutch painter Rembrandt Van Rijn
--elegant European-style cafe and bar
--continental cuisine, whimsical and innovative
--dinner entrees priced at $20 and down

Details
that do not have to be included in the first paragraph, but would be kindly appreciated:
--located at 23rd & Aspen Street, near the Art Museum
--new parking lot! nicest-looking! cheap!

Content Chronology

1. Begin with something along the lines of: "The dining room servers lunch, dinner and Sunday brunch, and appeals to an older, well-to-do clientele, while the faux yuppies crowd the bar like a speakeasy during Prohibition -- which isn't too difficult to conjure, what with the authentic turn-of-the 20th c. decor and the weekly live jazz. Locals abound." [Invoke the ambience, attempt bourgeois voice but tone down so as to not alienate the reader. Do not attempt any form of pretentiousness, as WordPad does not have thesaurus capabilities.]

2. From there, move swiftly to the food. Use terms like "tantalizing," "exquisite," "creative," "beautifully presented," "accompanied by." Pick out menu selections that appeal to the ear: Rustic Caesar Salad, with or without anchovies. Gulf Shrimp Tripoli with a tangy lemon horseradish dipping sauce. Asian Spiced Steak Brochettes with cashew noodle salad. Sauteed Clearwater Trout "Almondine" with fresh grapes, toasted almonds and wild rice pilaf. Grilled Pacific Tuna Steak with Israeli Basil Pesto over tomato-olive compote. Sauteed Calves Liver with Roasted Apples and cracked pepper mustard sauce. Grilled Salmon and Shrimp pleasantly perfumed with honey soy marinate. Italics abound. [Try not to use the word "abound" again.] As the menu changes constantly (a good thing), try not to concentrate on particulars so much as the general aura of brilliance involved for all dishes.

3. Do not forget to mention Rembrandt's Celebrated Duck Strudel. In fact, drop hints of the Duck Strudel at diffferent points in the article for added effect. Leave readers drooling, aroused. Can use the hints either for a humour effect ("The Walnut Crusted Monkfish Filet is a good dish, but nothing like that Duck Strudel. Anyway, as for that Crispy Eggplant and Sautéed Greens with Japanese breadcrumbs, provolone, tomato basil sauce and spaghettini..."), confusion tactic ("The waiters are friendly, but not as friendly as the Duck Strudel."), or a misleading dinner partner-in-crime ("Duck Strudel and I discussed the variety of seafood, beef, poultry, and pasta dishes--such impossible combinations that the chef pulls off miraculously!"). The last idea is really, really stupid.] When describing the beloved duck, begin with a slow strip-tease. Example: "Wrapped in a thin, sheer phyllo pastry are forest mushrooms and walnuts delicately trembling next to a tender duck breast wet with dutch apple butter, raspberry glaze and Philly cream cheese."

3a. Warning: Rembrandt's leans towards the rich side of taste. May not be appropriate for intense summers. Recommend using good lovin' to fill appetites. [Warning: do not let arousal/sex/porn in restaurant reviews typecast you as "that kind" of writer. Calm down. Take a cold shower.

Features:
--small library of books on Rembrandt
--50% off second entree coupon on the website
--affinity for going beyond the menu into life-changing events, such as:
* Quizzomania every Tuesday evening
* Annual Golf Outing
* Tarot Card Readings
* The Living Jazz Workshop on Thursdays
* Piano and Viola combo during Sunday Brunch
* Personalized Stock Market Quote System at the bar

The Future:
Quote the site for authenticity; this practice is similar to interviewing the owner, except with less human interaction [always a plus]: "The expansion will include, but is not limited to, a private dining room with a great view, a roof deck serving light fare, a small non-smoking bar, a garden dining area open for weekend morning coffee and pastry and a bakery/gift shop." People can also give feedback on the expansion plans. Jan Zarkin is obviously a Renaissance man who knows that all the flashy Flash and layers of high-tech html do not make up for in-depth content and customer satisfaction. Combined with the artist-inspired menu, Rembrandt's is obviously headed for the next millennium. Suddenly notice that the website has a spot for good restaurant reviews. Raise virtual eyebrow at Myra, Philly2nite's managing editor.

Humorous tidbits:
These should somehow fit themselves in the body of the article, perhaps as a cute aside, Shakespeare-like and all, or thrown out completely.

From the Rembrandt's FAQ:
Q. Does Rembrandt's have a dress code?
A. Yes, Clothes are required.
Q. Have we answered your question?
A. No. Not even close!?

Try to end on this note. Attempt conclusion with whimsical, innovative banter to match the food. Make as little reference to Rembrandt the artist as possible.